The Stupid & Random Adventures of Mario & Friends
by blackliner1415
Summary: A collection of oneshots. The title kinda says it all basically it's a bunch of random stories about Mario and some other characters, usually Peach, Toad, Luigi, and other peeps. OOCness, and rated T for some language. Rating may change over time.
1. Episode 1

**The Stupid & Random Adventures of Mario & Friends**

It was a dark, stormy day at the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad were playing Chess in the entrance hall. So far, Mario and Peach played against each other, and Peach lost miserably; she was terrible at Chess. The only reason she agreed to play was because the only other option was to go puddle-jumping, and she had just gotten a mani-pedi.

"Okiedokie, so who wants to challenge me next?" Mario asked his friends.

"Ooh! Me! Meeeeee!" Luigi squealed, and jumped up and down with excitement.

"Luigi, if you have to use the restroom, just go. You know where it is," Peach said exasperatedly.

"No, I don't have to use the restr- WAIT WAIT WAIT! There's a RESTROOM?! Jeez, nobody ever TOLD me! I've been using the port-o-potty outside in the courtyard for all these years!" Luigi exclaimed angrily.

"Luigi… There isn't a port-o-potty in the courtyard…" Peach told him, rolling her eyes.

"…Or is there?" Mario said with a weird, mysterious tone.

"No Mario, there isn't," Toad said with a groan. He was growing tired of this pointless conversation.

"But then what is that weird thing in the middle of the courtyard that sprays water? Looks like a port-o-potty to me," Luigi asked.

"Luigi, that's a fountain," Toad told him with a sigh.

"Ohhhh…" Luigi said with realization, and blushed.

"OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH!! Luigi, you've been PISSING in my fountain?!" Peach screamed at Luigi. "No WONDER the fountain always smells funny when you visit!"

"'Ha-ha' funny, or 'weird' funny?" Luigi asked timidly. Peach really scares the crap out of him when she yells like that. Even more so when she yells at **him**.

"Luigi, go to hell," Mario told Luigi, annoyed.

"Okiedokie!" Luigi said cheerfully. A warp pipe appeared out of nowhere, and Luigi climbed into it and teleported out of the castle. "I'll send a postcard!" Luigi's voice echoed from the pipe.

Silence. Then…

"Let's go get some cheesecake!" Toad squealed randomly.

"Okay!" said Mario and Peach.

---------------------------------------

Toad, Mario, and Peach took two flights of stairs to get to the kitchen. Halfway up the second flight, Mario was pooped. Peach and Toad were way ahead of him.

Then, Mario heard a scream. "MARIOOOOOOO!" the person screamed. It sounded very, **very** familiar.

Mario ran as fast as he could up the stairs, and found the kitchen. He broke down the door and left skid marks as he stopped fast in front of Peach, who was lying on the floor, appearing to be hurt.

"M-Mario…" Peach stuttered.

"Yes, Peach?" Mario asked with worry in his voice.

"I… I…" Peach gasped.

"Tell me Peach! What happened?" Mario asked, growing more worrisome.

"I… I broke a nail…" Peach finally told him.

Mario and Toad were furious, but tried to hide it. Peach insisted that they call a doctor, telling them that this was a "serious emergency". Mario and Toad tried to argue against her, but she wouldn't budge. They finally decided to call a doctor, even though they knew it would be a bad idea. Mario grabbed the phone, and dialed the number.

"Hello, this is Mario. Um, I'm calling because my friend -"

"OMIGOSH OMIGOSH! You're Mario… THE Mario?! Omigosh, I can't believe I'm _actually_ talking to you!" the receptionist on the other end of the line gushed. She was apparently a fan.

"My friend is… um… having a 'serious emergency'," Mario finished, unsure of how to describe what happened.

"I'll be right over!" the receptionist said, her tone suddenly serious.

"Wait -" Mario started, but was cut off by the receptionist hanging up.

As suddenly as the receptionist hung up, the door bell rang. Mario and Toad rushed down to the entrance hall to answer the door. Peach was "too weak" to get up, so she just lie there on the kitchen floor.

"Hello," Mario greeted the person at the door.

"Hello Mario! Omigosh, I cannot believe that not only do I get to speak with you over the phone, but I also get to see you in PERSON!" the receptionist from the hospital squeaked, overjoyed. "OH. MY. GOD. Is this your friend here? I'm afraid he's suffering from…Mushroomitus!" she gasped.

"Uhh. Mushroomitus?" Toad asked skeptically. "No, ma'am. I'm a Toad; one of Princess Peach's servants."

"Yes, he's right. The one that needs help is Peach," Mario told the receptionist. "Be right back, we'll go get her."

"Oh no, actually I'll go with you! I would love to see the castle!" the receptionist grew even more excited. The three of them walked upstairs to the kitchen.

---------------------------------------

When they finally reached their destination, they not only saw Peach, but Bowser too. He was stealing food from Peach's fridge, and laughing maniacally.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're too late, Mario and… umm…" Bowser couldn't identify the other guy.

"Toad!" Toad squeaked angrily.

"Uh, right. Anyway… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're too late, Mario and Toad! With all of this food from Peach's fridge, I shall open my own all-you-can-eat buffet, and I will finally become more popular and famous than Mario!"

Mario and Toad gasped. "You fiend!" they cried.

Bowser Jr., riding a hovercraft/flying saucer, broke in through the wall and zapped the enormous pile of food with a weird ray of light and abducted it. He and Bowser escaped successfully, without leaving a trace of their presence.

"Well, that sucks," Peach said indifferently. "I guess I'll have to go grocery shopping again tomorrow. Oh well."

"Peach, you don't even care that Bowser and his son just broke in through the wall and stole your food?" Toad asked incredulously. "Your fridge is huge… You'll probably have to spend a fortune to replace it all. Plus you'll have to repair the wall."

"Well for starters, I'm a PRINCESS. I have a ton of cash just for being famous and pretty. Second, who says I'M going to repair it? YOU will, Toad," Peach said with the same tone of indifference.

"Fine…" Toad sighed.

Lakitu flew into the kitchen on a cloud, and hovered in front of Mario, Toad, and Peach (who was finally getting up).

"You have a letter from Luigi, from hell! Would you like to read it?" he asked.

"Yes, please," Toad replied politely.

"Well tough luck, you son of a bitch, _I_'m gonna read it," he told Toad with a smirk.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Dear Mario, Toad, and Peach_

Greetings from hell! I wanted to send a postcard, but Satan told me that I couldn't; only letters are allowed. Anyway, as strange as it may seem, I'm enjoying myself here! I've made a bunch of new friends, and we play fun games together and hang out all the time. Even Satan and I are tight! Satan says I'm his best friend! People always say hell is supposed to be a terrible place, and Satan is evil, but none of it is true. Well, as much as I love hell, I really do miss you guys and the Mushroom Kingdom. I'll be back in a few days.

_With Love,_

_Luigi_

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"That'll be 50 coins!" Lakitu sneered. He thrust an empty coin sack at them. "Pay up."

"WHAT! You little bastard!" Mario yelled.

"Mario, Mario, PLEASE," Peach said rolling her eyes. "Here you go, Lakitu. 50 coins." She dumped 50 coins into Lakitu's sack.

"Thanks, hehe!" Lakitu took off, snickering.

"Great, now I've got that 'With Love' song by Hilary Duff stuck in my head!" Toad groaned.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Okay, that was the first episode! I hope you liked it, and Episode 2 will hopefully be posted soon! And when I say "soon" I mean within 1-2 weeks, MAYBE just a few days if you're lucky. Note, these episodes are NOT related to each other. They're kinda like comics, or TV episodes.

EDIT (11/25/07): This is the updated version of Episode 1. I tried to make it a little neater, and fixed the thing at the top. Also, Episode 2 is up.


	2. Episode 2

**The Stupid & Random Adventures of Mario & Friends**

A/N: I just noticed that at the top of the first episode, I typed "The Adventures of Mario & Friends". It should've been "The _Stupid & Random _Adventures of Mario & Friends". Oops, my bad.

Also, thank you to those who reviewed! Good reviews give me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, and motivate me to update faster. Flamers piss me off and make me feel like I'm not good at writing, and sometimes slow me down. But don't tell me something's good when it isn't! I don't mind constructive criticism; if something needs improvement, just tell me. Don't flame. Now, without further ado, I give you… (hehe, that rhymed!) Episode 2!

---------------------------------------

It was a bright, sunny day at the Mushroom Kingdom, as usual (seriously, does the weather EVER change there?). Mario, Peach, Toad, and Luigi were chasing bunnies in the castle courtyard. At first, Mario and his friends were fast enough to catch them. But after an hour or so, they became slow and tired. They collapsed from exhaustion, and the bunnies ran off into the castle.

"Whew! That was… fun…" Mario panted.

"You said it, bro," Luigi said in agreement.

"I would've been able to catch my bunny if it weren't for that foul odor coming from the fountain!" Peach said, annoyed. "Why DOES it smell like that, anyway?"

"Peach, this was discussed in the first episode. The fountain smells bad because Luigi pisses in it whenever he visits, and he doesn't know where the restroom is," Toad told the princess exasperatedly. He was tired of explaining the obvious to her all the time.

"Ah, and that might explain why there are never any Boos around here anymore!" Mario said in realization.

"Boos? Since when have there been Boos in my courtyard?" Peach asked, confused.

"Oh my God… In Super Mario 64! You don't remember?" Mario asked Peach incredulously. "Super Mario 64 is one of my most popular games- I mean… adventures!"

"Dude, I was trapped in the castle walls with the Toads. Obviously I never knew about anything during that time," Peach replied.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," Mario said, embarrassed.

"How could you FORGET?! That was a major part of the plot!" Peach retorted.

"I thought the Boos disappeared because you beat the Haunted Mansion World?" Luigi asked Mario, confused by this.

"No, you idiot. They disappeared because you started pissing in Peach's fountain!" Mario groaned at the idiocy of his brother.

"Um, okay…" Luigi finally accepted it.

The four friends continued to chat and argue amongst each other in the middle of the courtyard. A few hours later, they finally decided to go inside and play a game. But, as the princess stood up and combed her fingers through her thick, blonde hair, she noticed something was missing.

"My crown is gone!" Peach gasped. She looked over to one of the trees and saw a fox's tail. "Someone swiped my crown right off my head!"

"Hmmmm, I wonder who it could be?" Luigi wondered out loud. Everyone rolled their eyes at him, amazed at his stupidity.

"Oh my God, it's Swiper the fox!" Toad exclaimed. "What do we do?"

"Ooh, I know! I saw it on a TV show! All we have to do is say 'Swiper no swiping!' three times in unison, and he'll go away!" Mario told his friends excitedly.

"Okay, sounds easy enough," Toad replied.

"Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! _Swiper, no swiping!_" the four chanted together.

"Awww MAN!" Swiper the fox groaned and snapped his fingers. He dropped the crown and ran off.

"Yay!" they all cheered. Peach put the crown back on her head with a smile. "We did it, we did it, we did it, hooray!"

"I didn't think I would ever get my crown back!" Peach said, relieved. "Thank you, Mario!" she kissed him on the nose. Mario blushed and grinned.

"Ahem… I helped too!" Luigi cried.

"Of course, how could I forget you, Luigi?" Peach asked with a smile. She walked behind Luigi and kicked him in the ass.

"OWWWW! What was that for?!" Luigi groaned in pain.

"That's for being an idiot! But, thank you for helping anyway," Peach also kissed him on the nose.

"Kiss my ass to make it feel better?" Luigi whined.

"No," Peach retorted with disgust.

---------------------------------------

The four amigos went inside and walked upstairs to the painting/stain glass window that led to Peach's Secret Slide. Mario, Toad, and Peach all jumped in, and Luigi tried to jump through the opposite window; he smashed the window to pieces and fell to the ground outside, ass-first. And since he fell down two stories, his ass must've hurt _very badly_, especially since Peach just kicked it recently as well. Luigi could hardly move because of the pain, so he just cried himself to sleep.

Meanwhile, Mario and his friends were racing each other on Peach's slide. Although Peach knew every single turn and curve, she came in second to Mario, since he was faster than her. Toad almost passed Peach and Mario, but he accidentally fell off the slide and fell into the seemingly bottomless pit. Lakitu was also there, recording the race with his camcorder. He had to go all the way down to the bottom (it was a VERY deep pit) and rescue Toad. Once they got back to the top, Lakitu was very pissed off and decided to push Toad back down into the pit for amusement.

"Where's Toad and Luigi?" Peach asked Mario.

"Well, Luigi was being retarded as usual and decided to try the other window, and of course he fell on his ass outside. Toad fell off the slide during the race, and Lakitu went down and rescued him. But since Lakitu was very annoyed when the two of them finally got back to the top, he decided to push poor Toad back into the pit just for laughs," he replied matter-of-factly.

"How do you know all this?" Peach just stared at Mario.

"I watched the footage of the race on Lakitu's camcorder, duhhh," he retorted, as if it were very obvious. Which it kind of was.

"Okay then, but how do you know about Luigi falling out of the window?" Peach asked again.

"Um, never mind that," Mario told her mysteriously.

---------------------------------------

Outside, Luigi was finally recovering. He got up off the ground, and walked across the moat and into the castle. Then he remembered that his friends were at Peach's slide, so he walked back upstairs and into the room containing the two stain glass windows. He decided to be smarter this time and jumped through the correct one. He felt a tingly sensation as his body passed through the surprisingly liquid-like window. When he opened his eyes, he found himself standing in front of Mario, Peach, and Toad (who was apparently rescued again). They all looked angry.

"Hey guys, I'm back!" Luigi said cheerfully.

"Curses, he's back! Uh I mean… Welcome back, Luigi! We were really worried about you!" Toad tried to feign concern for Luigi, but it wasn't very convincing. But of course, Luigi fell for it.

"Really? Oh, you guys are the best!" Luigi cried, and gave them a big bear hug.

"Heh…hehe…" Mario and Peach laughed nervously. "Yup, we sure are… Mhm."

The door bell rang. "Ooooh, the pizza's here! Yay!" Lakitu cheered and clapped his hands gleefully.

"Huh? I never ordered pizza…" Peach said, very confused.

"I ordered it, bitch! And you're gonna pay for it! Hehe!" Lakitu snickered.

"Okay, sure," Peach shrugged.

---------------------------------------

The gang and Lakitu walked (or in latter's case, flew) downstairs to the entrance hall and answered the door. A tall, gangly redhead was at the door, holding a pizza.

"That'll be 10 coins, please," he told them.

"Omigosh, are you… Ron Weasley?!" Toad gasped. "I'm a big fan!"

"No, mushroom dude, I am NOT Ron Weasley," he retorted.

"Omigosh! He called me 'mushroom dude'! Aahhhh…" Toad fainted.

"Uh, sorry about that. Here you go," Peach paid the pizza dude and took the pizza. She handed the pizza to Lakitu and they walked to the castle's dining room.

---------------------------------------

When they got to the dining room, Toad and Peach walked over to the cabinet and passed plates to everyone. Mario and Luigi also helped set the table by getting the napkins. Lakitu just sat there staring at the pizza box, looking kind of nervous.

"Well, Lakitu, aren't you gonna serve the pizza to us?" Mario asked.

"I… uh…" Lakitu gulped. "I ate it all! Hehe! Peace out, suckas!" Lakitu broke a window and took to the skies.

Everyone stared at the empty pizza box with a very sad look on their faces. They just sat there in silence. Finally, Luigi spoke up.

"Let's make our own pizza!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, great idea, Luigi!" Peach praised him.

"Wow, LUIGI has a great idea?! You don't see that everyday!" Toad said, very shocked.

---------------------------------------

Mario and his friends went to the kitchen. They got all of the necessary supplies to make a pizza, and began preparing it. Peach got the dough and rolled it with a rolling pin. Toad got the pizza sauce and spread it all over the pizza's surface. Just as Mario was going to do his share, his cell phone rang. Of course, his ring tone is the "Super Mario Theme Song". (It's a real ring tone too, in case you're wondering. I have it on my phone. P)

"Oh crap, I have to go! Uh, Isle Delfino is in trouble AGAIN. Save me a slice, okay guys? See ya!" Mario hung up his phone and ran out the door in a hurry.

"Augh, I have to go too! I gotta go to Toadette's Fashion Salon; I have a part-time job there. Toad, you better come too, as my bodyguard," Peach told Toad.

"Alright… Luigi, you think you'll be able to make the pizza by yourself?" Toad asked, very nervous about leaving Luigi alone with something as potentially dangerous as an oven. Knowing Luigi, he would probably cause a fire and burn everything.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine! I'll see ya later!" Luigi reassured him.

Luigi did an excellent job making the pizza. He didn't even start a fire or anything, which is surprising. Everything was just right… until he accidentally did something to it that was just WRONG.

When Luigi finished the pizza and baked it in the oven, he put it in the fridge for when his friends got back. He grew very bored waiting for them, so he decided to take the pizza out of the fridge and stared at it for quite some time. It was a beautiful pizza. It appeared as if it had been prepared by gods. Luigi rubbed his mustache with his finger and decided to shave it off. He got his razor and shaving cream and shaved it off completely.

Mario, Peach, and Toad walked in a few hours later. "Hey, we're back!" they shouted. "Luigi, where are you?"

"I'm right here, guys!" Luigi bounded down the stairs and stood at the top of the balcony. "Come on guys, let's go have that pizza!"

---------------------------------------

The gang went to the dining room for the second time today. Everything was still set up from before, so they didn't need to waste time doing that again. Luigi cut the pizza and passed a slice to everyone. Just then, he noticed something about the pizza and blushed. Everyone took a bite of the pizza and fell in love with it.

"Luigi, this pizza is amazing!" Mario cried. "What did you add to it?"

"Um… I kind of decided to shave my mustache earlier, and… umm…" Luigi stuttered nervously.

Everyone looked down at their pizza and fainted.

Mustache hair.

---------------------------------------

A/N: Well, that was Episode 2! It came out earlier than I had planned, actually. I expected to have it finished in a few days or a week, but I suddenly got an idea and I just had to finish it today. I told you I was gonna make this one longer, and I kept my promise. (even though it isn't much longer; only by about half a page, I think) I think this episode is written better than the first one, and is a little neater. Episode 3 should be up fairly soon; probably in a few days, hopefully. I don't think it will be finished as quickly as this one was, unfortunately.


End file.
